This is the Stuff...

I can’t get this song out of my head.  Yes, it describes me and my frustrations, but the words that stick out to me the most from this song are… I’ve gotta trust you know exactly what you’re doing.

Big things in life come up.  Small things in life come up.  I’ve gotta trust.

I have to trust that He knew what He was doing when He made me.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps 139)  I am also quirky.  He knew that.  He knows that.  And He uses it to His advantage.

Some days I get so mad and frustrated that I can’t find my keys.  How can such an organized, neat freak not know where her keys are???  Yet even in these small, seemingly unimportant details of life, I can see how desperately I need Him for everything.  And I thank God He has me on such a short rope.  I can’t take too many steps throughout a day before I realize just how much I need God for everything.

Then it helps me to thank Him for just what He’s giving and given me.  I’m learning to love this short “leash.”  It helps me to never get far from my Creator.  I am desperate for Him.  I still get mad that my leash is so short.  But it takes me longer these days.  I’m learning to trust that He knows exactly what He’s doing.

If you haven’t heard this song, check it out.  Be warned, it’s catchy.  But it always puts me in a good mood.

Grieve to Grow

I have often thought grief only went along with the loss of a loved one.  I have come to learn that grief is a healthy part of life, as we grow.

At times I have grieved the loss of a season in childhood.  Other times grief has taken form in letting go of expectations or dreams.  Grief can be painful.  Grief can be as simple as letting go.  However, in grieving I have found space and growth.  It is as if a reorganization of my soul has taken place. 

When I clear out my pantry to reorganize, it is an interesting time.  I find forgotten items, which I meant to use.  I find pantry staples, which will always be there.  Some items I find are seasonal, but rarely found throughout the rest of the year.  My life reflects my pantry.   Certain items have been placed in my soul, like the pantry staples.  They will always remain, they make up the foundation of who I am, who I have been created to be. 

There are the items I have forgotten.  When they are found in my soul, they are reignited.  Life is breathed back in.  There are items that have past their expiration date.  These feel like the seasons in my life where I have grieved.  My babies are no longer babies.  My eldest starts kindergarten in autumn, and my precious time with him is changing. 

It is freeing to be in this new world, and yet there is a tiny sting in my heart.  I realize I am not needed for this purpose anymore.  On good days, I can see I have done my job, as a mother and teacher, well.  My little one has learned to be more independent, gaining more control.  On bad days, I fall into the trap of feeling worthless and unwanted, as if being a mother is the only role that defines me.

The best season of life is the one I am currently in.  This will remain true, no matter what season I move into.  I choose to not keep looking back and living in the past.  I must let it go and live now.  Enjoy now.  Grieve to grow.